Being Emotionally Drained From the Loss of Miscarriage
There is no easy fix for the feeling of loss of a loved one. That includes the loss of a child that one has never met.
We may have never met this little one face to face, or maybe you have, but the pain in a mother’s heart is still overwhelming and heart-breaking.
I grieve right along side of you, having more than one miscarriage and a pre-term birth that resulted in loss. Twenty years later, the hurt has faded, but I will never forget my little ones.
These situations, as painful as they are, have made me who I am today.
However, when it’s a fresh wound, and so raw on our hearts, it can be paralyzing.
First Steps to Healing
Emotions After a Loss
Everyone is different how a loss is processed. There is no length of time to expect to ‘get over it’.
When I experienced my miscarriages, I had a range of emotions. My thoughts around the hope for what could have been was totally heartbreaking for me. I stayed hopeful that there would be a ‘next time’ as I recovered physically and tried to heal the best I knew how.
That’s to put it mildly.
The range of emotions that quickly go from the excitement of a new life, to being gone in an instant. I felt this was so painful for me to go from one extreme to another.
The disbelief I felt about what happened, and the heartbreak I felt knowing that I can’t change it.
All the thoughts I had about how our family would change are suddenly gone.
Taking the time to process what has happened is so important. I remember being told that physically I needed to take some time, but emotionally is just as important.
In the past I preferred to process things on my own, and I isolated myself.
This was before the internet and social media platforms where we can find support groups. I didn’t know where to go to find support through this difficult time that felt safe. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to others, even at mom’s groups, especially if I didn’t know if they hadn’t experienced the same thing.
I was grateful to have my sister for support. We have leaned on each other through the years of the ups and downs of motherhood. The highs and the lows, the accomplishments and the losses. Having one person, at least one, that you can pour your heart to and trust when you feel the most vulnerable is important.
You may even feel that it doesn’t seem real. It’s just not believable that this baby is gone. How can this be?
The initial shock and disbelief after a loss is when you need that support the most. Having someone to listen to you through the rush of emotions that come and go, is difficult to sort when you are doing it on your own.
2. Feeling sadness, anger and guilt
Once the initial shock starts to wear off, the reality of what happened starts to settle in.
Everyone feels differently once the process of grieving for a miscarriage begins. No one can judge us for how we feel, or how they think we are supposed to feel. They can’t judge how we process the situation, or how they think we are supposed to grieve. That includes ourselves.
We may feel sad because our hope of the future and what this little life would have added to ours. Sad that the joy we had is gone. Sad over the unknown about the future.
We may feel angry. Angry at our body for not doing what we wanted it to. Angry at the doctors or others we think should have helped differently. Angry that it is so easy for others to get pregnant and have children.
We may feel guilty. Guilty of something we think we did that could have caused this. Guilty that we could have done more to have prevented the miscarriage. Guilty for past choices we may have made.
We need to grieve the way our mind and body leads us. Leaning on others can help us to make sure that we are processing the event. Everyone goes at their own pace.
When you get to the point where you are accepting your situation, it means that you understand that this is real, the miscarriage really happened.
You understand the loss, but you may still need time to heal from it. You may still not feel great about what happened, but you can acknowledge that it happened.
It’s powerful to have others around you that you can talk to . But there are many different ways you can find support. Groups in person, groups online, family, friends, prayer and faith, and alternative methods.
Getting to the Heart and Healing
There are a number of ways that you can work through healing from your miscarriage.
Miscarriage is a loss and it is a big deal.
It needs your attention and time. These situations can be very sad and traumatic.
It’s possible that over time you may feel this loss can reveal a blessing. Not a blessing of the loss, but who we become because of the situation.
Learning what can come out of this heartache, and how it can make us a better and stronger person can be so powerful!
I have seen what my multiple losses have done for my maturity. My heart and empathy can be a blessing to others. These situations can be so much more than the healing of ourselves. It can be a bridge to helping others that you will meet later in life . . . one’s who were raw with grief just as we were one time.
Connection is so powerful, even when the connection stems from heartache.
Ways to help the healing:
- Faith and prayer
- Support groups
- Family and friends
- Walking in nature
- EFT and tapping
Remember that emotions will come and go, it can change. Even when you think you have made progress on your journey, and you feel that you are at peace with your loss.
But then in a heartbeat you find yourself upset by seeing a pregnant woman or hearing about a friend’s new baby. This is all natural. Be gentle on yourself.
Let’s tap together for the thoughts about your loss, how we can heal, and looking to the future.
“Healing from a Miscarriage” Tapping Script
This script can be used for any stage of grief. The wording may be more for the beginning stages of the process, but it will be helpful even if you have moved through the process already.
Karate Chop: (Set-up Statement)
- Even though I am heart broken and upset about this miscarriage, I deeply love and accept myself.
- Even though I am worried about the future and what my life may look like, I deeply love and accept myself.
- Even though I am angry that it is so easy for others to have children and not me, I love and accept who I am right now.
This sinking feeling in my stomach.
Side of Eye:
I can’t believe this has even happened.
The ache my body feels after losing my child.
This heartache is so painful and at times unbearable.
All the dreams I had for this baby and what they would bring to my life.
In a moment those dreams are gone and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel so upset and helpless.
Top of Head:
I can’t image what life will be like moving forward.
I want to process this loss because I can’t live in this pain. It’s too much.
Side of Eye:
I need to reach out to get help, I can’t do this alone.
It feels like no one could possibly understand. I feel alone, but there are others who have gone through this.
This is too painful to work through alone, I need help healing.
Maybe I can find support to heal from people I trust around me, journaling and tapping.
I can’t imagine what life will be like after this experience.
But I am seeing I don’t have to do this alone.
Top of head:
I find comfort knowing that I am not alone, I don’t have to hide, I just need to find the right people to connect with.
It feels better knowing I don’t have to do this alone.
Side of Eye:
I need to be easy on myself and grieve at my own pace.
I just want to feel normal again, but having a hard time.
I will get there, but this may take time. I want to honor this experience and my baby.
This loss doesn’t make sense to me and I wish I could change it.
But I’m open to moving forward. I don’t want to stay stuck in sadness.
I want to find peace even when I am sad, angry, or feel guilty.
Top of Head:
I know I will find hope again. Until then I will be easy on myself, give myself what I need, and know that I will heal from this. I don’t know how long this will take, but I’m believing I will find joy again.
Take a deep breath.
- Check your rating again. Where are you on the 0-10 scale?
- If you aren’t at a 3 or below, do another round.
- You can change up the wording, making even more personal to you.
- Check your rating again.
This is a difficult time in your life, but please know that I am loving you from afar.
Sometimes there aren’t any words to comfort. Sometimes there just isn’t the right thing to say. Know that if someone doesn’t acknowledge what has happened to you, it’s because they don’t know how to comfort you in this situation. Or they say something that was not comforting at all.
You may experience a friend or family member that mean well, and yet say the most insensitive and stupid things.
They are doing the best they can. Just ignore the comments if they are insensitive or hurtful. That’s when you turn to those you trust and get you. That’s when you take a walk in nature or journal.
When you feel the pain or sadness come up, tapping can be calming. When you feel anger being triggered, tap for the thoughts that are rising. Don’t wait, just start tapping. Let the peace from tapping comfort you in this time of sadness.
Sending you lots of love,